Thursday, February 7, 2013

Spookymilk Survivor All Stars: Dust Cover/Episode Guide

Well, it's been a while since I did a Spookymilk Survivor writeup. The game is currently in its 'All Stars' iteration - a little over halfway through it, in fact. Not all of the weeks will get writeups, since some weeks wouldn't make sense for that sort of thing (and then there's the fact that I could be eliminated at any moment). So, I guess love it while it's here.

This week, players were tasked with creating a dust jacket for a self help book, and creating an episode guide for a TV show. The book and TV show in question were up to the player. Here's what I came up with.

OVER 60 FULLY ILLUSTRATED POSITIONS!

Are you tired of the same old, white bread sex when you hook up with drunken co-eds? Are you interested in adding a little bit of spice to your love life? Are you really, really into sexual positions named after animal and plant life?

Vātsyāyana's Kama Sutra solves these problems and hundreds more in minutes.

Learn SAFE and EFFECTIVE ways to maximize pleasure and flexibility while also having fun! Everyone can find something inside, from the pimply-faced teen hoping to score a couple quick nudie pics to the experienced Casanova. You'll be having flora and fauna-themed sexings in no time!

Includes complimentary life lessons, including (but certainly not limited to):

  • Relaxing and obtaining girls
  • Duties and privileges of wives
  • Arousing weakened sexual powers via the power of Indian Mysticism
  • Renewing friendship with former lovers

It's time to make love the exotic way. The Kama Sutra can help.

- - -

"With the Kama Sutra, Vātsyāyana truly joins the ranks of self improvement greats like Bob Vila and Dan Gookin. This book is a treasure trove of tips and tricks for both novices and experts alike!"

  • Do It Yourself Monthly, April 2011

"I'm pretty sure that some of these positions are actually pretty dangerous. Then again, if I'm given the opportunity to truthfully tell my friends that I did something called the 'Clinging Creeper' with the waitress from Bennigan's, I guess I'll chance a ruptured tunica albuginea."

  • Overheard at local Bennigan's last Friday

OVER 60 FULLY ILLUSTRATED POSITIONS!

Are you tired of the same old, white bread sex when you hook up with drunken co-eds? Are you interested in adding a little bit of spice to your love life? Are you really, really into sexual positions named after animal and plant life?

Vātsyāyana's Kama Sutra solves these problems and hundreds more in minutes.

Learn SAFE and EFFECTIVE ways to maximize pleasure and flexibility while also having fun! Everyone can find something inside, from the pimply-faced teen hoping to score a couple quick nudie pics to the experienced Casanova. You'll be having flora and fauna-themed sexings in no time!

Includes complimentary life lessons, including (but certainly not limited to):

  • Relaxing and obtaining girls
  • Duties and privileges of wives
  • Arousing weakened sexual powers via the power of Indian Mysticism
  • Renewing friendship with former lovers

It's time to make love the exotic way. The Kama Sutra can help.

- - -

"With the Kama Sutra, Vātsyāyana truly joins the ranks of self improvement greats like Bob Vila and Dan Gookin. This book is a treasure trove of tips and tricks for both novices and experts alike!"

  • Do It Yourself Monthly, April 2011

"I'm pretty sure that some of these positions are actually pretty dangerous. Then again, if I'm given the opportunity to truthfully tell my friends that I did something called the 'Clinging Creeper' with the waitress from Bennigan's, I guess I'll chance a ruptured tunica albuginea."

  • Overheard at local Bennigan's last Friday

K: Okay, it may not have the one big belly laugh, but a lot of this was a lot of fun.  The complimentary life lessons were the star, for me.

I had originally planned on having the writeup written in the voice of a person who thought that the Kama Sutra was, in fact, a homeowner's do it yourself book. It was going to be filled with cheesy double entendres and references to hammering and screwing. I realized pretty early on that I wasn't going to be able to shoehorn the type of jokes I wanted in there without making the whole thing seem stupid, so I switched to a more conventional tone. I do like the idea of Do It Yourself Monthly ranking the Kama Sutra in the same ballpark as Bob Vila and Dan Gookin (who wrote the first "For Dummies" book). I don't like the Bennigan's guy. I think I could've come up with something better there.

Oh well. On the day that everything was due, I realized that I would be best served by submitting the second challenge, as well. The problem was that I had fifteen minutes to conceptualize and write an episode guide, and I'd given it precisely no thought.

Mad Men

1      1-01                03/Dec/09   A New Family/The Tanned Triangle
The cast members are introduced. The Situation ogles some bar skanks, only to find out that one of them is Snooki. The gang spend the next nine days trying to coax him out of his room, where he is huddled in the fetal position, gently sobbing.

2      1-02                03/Dec/09   The Tanned Triangle
Snooki gets drunks and vomits on the Queen of England. After an all-weekend bender, The Situation wakes up in bed beside an aardvark. J-Woww tries to figure out where the extra 'w' in her name comes from.

3      1-03                10/Dec/09   Good Riddance
Pauly announces he's going back to college. The Situation tries to change his mind by throwing him a party, which turns into an all weekend bender. Snooki gets drunk and passes out in the Louvre.

4      1-04                17/Dec/09   Fade to Black
Christina Ricci guest stars as the gang try to fence stolen diamonds, not realizing that the 'diamonds' are, in fact, simple cane sugar. Snooki gets drunk and punches a hobo, who turns out to be Richard Branson in disguise.

5      1-05                31/Dec/09   Just Another Day at the Shore
J-Woww and Snooki decide to build a rocket ship, but have trouble obtaining the necessary rocket fuel. The Situation tries to help, but his definition of 'help' is 'having sex with J-Woww'. Hijinx ensue, and Snooki ends up drunk and on Quaaludes, screaming obscenities at a helpful nun.

6      1-06      106-60    07/Jan/10   Boardwalk Blowups
Some shit happens. Fuck, man. I dunno, I was pretty drunk during this one. I think Snooki might have peed on a cop car?

7      1-07      107-60    14/Jan/10   What Happens In The AC
The Situation plots to destroy modern civilization. Pauly does ALL the cocaine. Snooki gets a gin enema.

8      1-08      108-60    14/Jan/10   One Shot
Meet Grady, a twenty-nine year old construction worker. After coming home from a hard day's work he walks in the door of his trailer park home to find his wife in bed with another man.

9      1-09                21/Jan/10   That's How The Shore Goes
J-Woww and Pauly are now in full production in the new lab and are easily producing the 200 lbs per week of meth, as agreed. Fearing for their lives, they hatch a plan to eliminate The Situation, who is growing increasingly neurotic and dangerous. Snooki gets drunk and flashes a group of kindergartners.

K: A fairly bizarre take on the challenge that I didn’t put together immediately (and I’m only half-sure I get now; are these Mad Men episode titles?).  I’m really not the target market for this one, as I’ve never seen Jersey Shore.  Well, I saw five minutes once.  I was mystified; how the hell can it actually be a show?

So... I came up with that. First off, the Mad Men at the top is entirely extraneous and dumb, as this is a fake episode guide for Jersey Shore. I have not seen more than five combined minutes of the Jersey Shore (though I guess I've seen enough clips on The Soup to have a decent idea of the premise). I took the actual episode airing dates and titles from a Jersey Shore episode guide (such a thing exists), and made up fake episode recaps. I was running short on time (again, only fifteen minutes), so I threw as many references to stupid shit as possible.

Episode eight is just the intro to the third verse of "Guilty Conscience" by Eminem. Episode nine is essentially Breaking Bad with different people (plus Snooki flashing kindergartners). The jokes are cheap and I'm not a fan of it on any level other than the absurd, but whatever.

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