Spookymilk Survivor X: Bantam Bulwyr

In 1830, Edward Bulwer-Lytton's novel Paul Clifford began with a line so incredibly overwrought and hamfisted that it essentially broke written language. At Spookymilk Survivor, contestants are tasked with honoring that glorious line by trying to top it.

The concept is to write an opening line to a book - a sentence so horrible that anyone who read it would immediately close the book, throw it in the garbage and picket the author's house. I've never done very well with this particular challenge, but here's what I came up with.

Ayo, peep this. Back in the day (and I mean way, way back in the day), this crazy powerful cat, God, said the word and ‘bam’, everything came outta nuthin’ – the sun, the world, even the hood… everything.

Here's the judges' input:

K: This is a tough one. Yes, it’s gross and ham-fisted. Does it teeter on the brink of intentional comedy? Yeah, I think it does, but in the end it sounds more desperate to be cool than anything, like an after-school special written by 45-year-old white guys. 4

DK: I’m not sure I’d want to read Genesis, or the Bible, in this style (I’m not sure I’d want to read Genesis all the way anyway), but it feels a little too much like trying to be bad. 1

So... yeah. My first one of the season and a 2.5 overall. There was some discussion on the actual site about the nature of the challenge itself and the extremely subjective nature of what is "bad" and what is just trying too hard. Both judges seemed to think mine was trying too hard to be bad. Spooky was able to fight through it, DK wasn't. Fair enough. In retrospect, I do hate the "bam" that I put in there. If I had to write it over again, I'd leave that out.
I would take a little bit of an exception to DK's comment about "trying to be bad" for a couple reasons. First off, that is, of course, the point of the challenge. I could understand if mine felt forced, but that actually leads me into my second point.
We live in a world where this dude makes albums and sells them to lots of people (a recurring set of skits from one of his albums, which were actually the inspiration for my entry, were titled "The World's Greatest MC", where KJ opined about Jesus' status as "world's greatest MC"). More power to him if he's able to do that, I guess, but the point is that my paragraph (which is obviously meant to be Genesis 1:1, as taken verbatim from the "Thug Life" bible) is actually right about in line with the overly-thick desperation to be cool and relevant that exists in some segments of Christianity. These people were all around in church when I was growing up, the 'Thug Life Bible' might not exist, but the mindset certainly does. I suppose Poe's Law could come into play, as it often does in these matters, but I've seen too much sincerity from certain corners of this niche to make me think that it's as simple as "trying to be bad".

Either way, the rest of my team bailed me out, so we keep on marching. Well played, vogons, I get to keep using one of my favorite categories, and we keep thinning out the herd.

Thieves with Halos

Want to play a guitar simulation video game?
Don't want to damn your eternal soul to hell in the process?

Has 'Digital Praise' got a game for.......ah, to hell with it.

What in the hell is this?? I'll admit (reluctantly) that I used to be a big fan of all thigns Christian rock. That was, of course, before I heard all the bands that my former favorites were ripping off and sanitizing. I still enjoy some of the stuff from back in the day, but that's beside the point.

Digital Praise, the fine people that brought you those knock-off Dance Dance Revolution games, now bring you "Guitar Praise". In their own words:

"Grab the guitar and play along with top Christian bands! Shred those riffs or blast the bass…you add a unique sound to the solid Christian rock. But watch out: if you can't keep up, the artists will take a break and stop the music. Crank it up and try again ? you?ll soon be rockin' with the best while praising the Lord! Order the second guitar and jam with a friend!"

There just aren't any words in the English dictionary that describe that. Luckily, I just so happen to have one of my own.

Cockflickery.

Seriously, people. Do your own thing. Add in a tambourine, have the user wear little bracelets that can tell when you're raising your hands in praise, just don't rip off an established franchise and throw together some shitty tracklist on it and call it 'good'. By the way, out of 40-plus years of rock music (for today's purposes, we'll count the Larry Norman era as the beginings of C-Rock) you can't find anything better to put on a track list of "rockin' spiritual songs" than Stellar Cart, Superchick, and TWO Hawk Nelson songs? I could look through my (admittedly embarassing) Christian music collection and find 50 songs more apt for a collection such as this than TWO Hawk Nelson songs. Amy Frickin' Grant is more 'rock' than Hawk Nelson.

Cockflickery abounds...

Next thing they need is "Organ Hymnal Simulator 5000" for those not down with the C-Rock scene.

Simultaneously the Most Blasphemous and Awesome Thing You Will See Today

Teh baptizum of Jesuz!
¹³ Den Jesus caem from Gallalee, to has baptizm from John ¹⁴ But John was all "Ur doin it rong, j00 needz to baptize me"
¹⁵ And Jesus answered sayin "STFU and baptize me n00b" and John did.
¹⁶ Wen he was baptized he gtfo of teh water and, ZOMG, teh ceilinz opened up and teh Spirit of Ceiling Cat caem down liek a duv and landeded on him ¹⁷ And, ZOMFGWTF, a voice from heven sayed "Hai guise, dis my son, and I tink he teh leet"

Courtesy of the lolcat bible, an effort to translate the entire bible into "lolcat", a terrifying internet language used to caption cat pictures.

In other news, due to a combination of having very little free time, and having nothing all that relavatory to say, I haven't been updating with any real frequency. This will (hopefully) change in the new year.

Have a wonderful Christmas, and an equally wonderful new year!

Those Wacky Christians and Their Boycotts

So, it seems that 'The Golden Compass' didn't do so well (or at the very least, didn't do as well as expected). Blame/Congratulations were immeadiately directed at the fervent religious folk who did their damndest to keep as many people away from the movie as possible. I find this idea to be beyond ridiculous. Pop culture boycotts (and Christian/Catholic boycotts in particular) have generally raised public awareness and have arguably had opposite the intended effect more often than not.

Let's rewind to every single instance a new Harry Potter movie or book has come out, because you know that the boycotts and (overbearing) conscientious folk who tried their best to keep people away from that franchise have been so successful. 'Brokeback Mountain' almost seemed to be assisted by the attempted backlash. The moral? A boycott, no matter how strong, will not beat out the hype machine if people are intent on seeing, reading, or listening to the object of ire.

I honestly felt this movie was going to disappoint in the Box Office, and the reason has very little to do with overeager moralists. It had much more to do with the fact that the movie, as advertised didn't seem to be the type to really grab attention. The disticntly 'meh' reviews that poured in from both critics and fans of the book alike did little to convince anyone that this was a movie they had to see (and honestly, the film may have done itself a disservice by watering down the material, thereby alienating the only pottential hardcore audience it had left - fans of the original series).

Having such a poor opening week may doom this franchise before it even really gets off of the ground. You may blame Rotten Tomatoes for this, if you like, but I don't know how much credit I'd toss William Donohue's direction.