Thursday, August 18, 2011

Spookymilk Survivor IX: What Was That You Asked?

Another "team" challenge this week (the necessity of the quote marks will be apparent soon enough). This week, the challenge was for each team to ask a question which would logically (or comedicly) result in the given answer.

I'll give my team's answer (if I have one, it'll be in bold) with the judge's remarks in italics.

1. It was the culmination of years of research.
- “Let me get this straight, you spent $12 million dollars of taxpayer money, and all you came up with is the prototype for an inflatable knife rack?”
- How’d you figure out that your wife was cheating on you?

There had to be something funnier than an inflatable knife rack, but it's been a busy week, so that's what I came up with.

2. We tossed the evidence in the San Francisco harbor.
- “We’re dead if the police find those buoys, where did you get rid of them?”
K: Oh, that’s some fine dope humor right there. (UJ)
- Once you realized that no one was going to notice Jay Leno was murdered, what did you do?

Ah, dumb criminals... Buoys float! Now the cops will find your drugs for sure!

3 I know they use a gecko and a caveman, but this new one is ridiculous.
- What is with these Republican presidential candidates?
K: I didn’t really expect any of these, but this made me laugh out loud. (UJ)
- What did the alien say about the newest recipes his shipmate had just come up with?

Mine was "How exactly do the Hendersons incorporate the Stay-Puft Marshmallow into their sexual role playing?". So... yeah. No victories to be had there.

4. We changed the name because people were coming in expecting it to be a law firm.
- Why did you change the name of the bait shop from “Suckers, Leeches, Worms, and More”?
K: Lawyers are easy targets, but this one still hits the mark. (UJ)
- Didn’t you used to advertise a drink named “Ambulance Chaser”?”?

Mine was almost exactly the same as Rachel's, only hers was much better.

5. I guess some people would call that big.
- Representative Bachmann, we have compiled a list of reasons Americans shouldn’t vote for you. When folded just right, it barely fits into the Metrodome.
K: Dang, this one just barely beats the Hanks one. I tend to pass over politics in this game, but these are solid so far, yesiree. (UJ)
- What Michael Bay said the first time he saw the video of the atomic bomb tests.
B: The last one is clever…but it doesn’t really work with the tone of the answer. Otherwise, we are shooting the politics, penis, and Michael Bay barrel fishes. I guess I’m not sick of the latter, yet. (UJ)

Mine was something about a football-field sized gumball.... What was that all about? Luckily my teammates were much better.

6. I would say “chartreuse” is a more polite descriptor.
- Rep. Bachmann, we heard you get guidance for your political actions from God and, um, a little green Martian named Zarton?
K: Never mind the politics thing I said, ‘cause I’m all over this. Even if Bachmann wasn’t the patsy for this joke, the joke would be awesome. (UJ)
- You remember that time that you got drunk at the sushi place and ended up puking and shitting out the same vile lime-green fluid at once?

Mine was bad - something about a dress. I was hoping that the others would come up with something better. They did - almost by default.

7. Puppies.

- Rep. Bachmann, what do you like in your omelet?
K: Argh, Bachmann again (but again, the joke is awesome with any politician or person of ill repute). Real close on Casey Anthony, too, you sick fucks. (UJ)
- “Hillbilly Barbeque, you say? Sounds interesting… what kind of meat do you use?”

Mine is dumb.

8. I know it’s in his style, but I’m not sure Dr. Seuss would have written that.

- “I have to admit, I’m pretty intrigued by this lost Geisel work, “The Bat in the Twat”
- Have you seen the script for “There’s a Wocket in My Pocket”?

Mine is dumb, part 2.

9. Okay, I guess it does make sense that their mascot is a tampon.
- I heard Michele Bachmann donated a million dollars to her alma mater.
- “What sick bastard names the school’s girls’ equestrian team the “Red Riders”?
B: I like all of these, even the Bachmann one. I’m tempted to go for the corn maze for originality, but it just doesn’t make much sense to me. I mean, how could a corn maze have only one way in? And should it be news that a tampon can only go in one way? I don’t know. I had a bad day. (UJ)

Okay, I like Rachel's and mine for this one.

10. A hundred-thousand nurses, and no end in sight.
- “How did your computer system get so incredibly screwed up overnight?”
K: Poor nurses. Poor, stupid, sexy nurses. (UJ)
B: Ooo, nice dig with the Halloween joke. But the first one made me laugh, so there you go. (UJ)
- What wears scrubs, is bossy and just won’t let you die in peace?

I had a lousy day at work, so this one gets ripped from the headlines for me. I actually didn't think it was that good, and didn't vote for it. The others did, and both judges did.

11. Wow, those kids can make a game out of anything!
- “Wait, so all they do is run around and try to tap each other on the shoulder?”
- Have you heard about “icing”?

Both 'Tag' and 'Icing' are really weird when you think about it. Different kinds of weird, but still....

12. Oh, I just figured that sound was popcorn popping.
- I can almost hear the collective IQ of Iowan GOP voters dropping.
- How did you not notice that my girlfriend’s cat was in the microwave!?!
K: I imagine our subject is stoned here. (UJ)

Oh, Lord, mine was bad for this one.

13. That wasn’t a very smart investment.
- Do you think I can get my campaign contribution back from Pawlenty?
K: Okay, I rag on Republicans as much as anyone, but did anyone see that quick exit coming? How did he fall so far so fast? Poor dope. Anyway, the Madoff one was good at first glance until I couldn’t figure out a reason for the person to ask that question. (UJ)
B: I can’t believe I’m voting for a political entry, but this one doesn’t take sides and I’m guessing those same words were spoken this week by several people. (UJ)
- “Oh, God… why did I spend my life savings on vintage amputee pornography?”

My first draft had 14 of the 16 answers involving pornography. I really have no idea why. Of the porn-related answers, I thought this was the funniest. I was apparently alone in that idea.

14. I suppose that’s the hazard of having a giant baby in your field.
-”The filming of “Honey I Blew Up the Kid” went awry when the infant started devouring the miniature actors…”
B: Still don’t care for scat humor, and the third one could be a winner in our Bantam Bulwyr competition. So…I guess the first one. (UJ)
- When that thirty-foot high infant takes a shit, who’s gonna wanna buy my corn?

Next time you think you've got the world figured out, close your eyes and think... Honey, I Blew Up the Kid is a real movie. It was released in theatres. It grossed nearly $60 million in the US.

15. I suppose that’s the benefit of having a giant baby in your field.
- Every time John Boehner cries, he polls better among Tea Partiers. (I guess 14 and 15 are interchangeable.)
- Oh, fuck, the virus escaped and the zombie mutants are coming! Who are we going to throw out there to distract them while we escape?
K: Oh, now that’s dark. Why does the fact that the baby is a giant make it okay to me? I don’t understand that. (UJ)

I love that Rachel left the "14 and15 are interchangeable" self-comment in there.

16. That’s the worst thing that could happen at a live performance.
- “Did you hear that Scott Stapp showed up sober at the recent Creed concert?”
K: Shudder. By the way, I’m surprised that all these were music-based. I was totally banking on theater jokes. (UJ)
- Did you see The Black-Eyed Peas and Slash at the Superbowl halftime show?

I had a friend who saw the Creed concert where Stapp was blitzed out of his gourd. He was pissed - I just figured it that if he was too drunk to sing "With Arms Wide Open", that was about the only way to salvage a Creed show.

So... We ended up tying, so we won't know until tomorrow how this will all turn out. Either way doesn't really bother me, because...

...we only had three members of Ugly Juanita who contributed. Truly unfortunate. We could have kicked some ass with wider scope, but Bret, Rachel, and I fought off the filthy horde as best we could.


  1. "I had a lousy day at work, so this one gets ripped from the headlines for me. I actually didn't think it was that good, and didn't vote for it. The others did, and both judges did."

    1) Busted at work, eh?
    2) Bravo nibbish. Your opinion of it didn't match the outcome for once.

  2. Nah, never busted at work. Just a garden-variety lousy day.

    Also, I thought you might like that second part.