Spookymilk Survivor Podcast - Featuring Me!

Just because I haven't gone on and on about Spookymilk Survivor lately doesn't mean I'm not playing it (I am in fact playing the All Stars season right now). The problem has been that Turbo featured stuff that I wasn't particularly proud of, and last season featured total anonymity, which prevented any in depth discussion.

Luckily, for all of you who were curious to catch up on my exploits, there is now a way.

Kelly started a podcast series where he and a guest discuss that particular guest's Survivor history. Last week, it was my turn. Be warned, I talk a lot, and I have a horrible microphone (I actually stole it from my Playstation SingStar game, so... points for versatility?).

Feast your ears, and be prepared to adjust the volume a lot.

We Apologize For the Inconvenience

Life has caught up to me over the past couple of weeks, and my once-sizable cache of pre-written list entries dried up. Rather than half-ass it, I'm going to put this on hold until Friday, at which time everything will commence as normal.

In the meantime, in commemoration of Delmon Young's exit from the Twins. I give you... this.......again.

Spookymilk Survivor VIII: Twenty Questions

I've had an obscenely busy last week and a half. I was down in the cities rocking out some Cisco phone training, with very limited access to any type of internet access, then I shuttled my brother up home for family Easter, then shuttled him back down to the cities so that Branny Z and I could hit up the Pixies concert last night (which I'll explain in depth in a new post). Either way, last week's result was decent, considering how little time I had to prepare for it, and there's not a lot to say about it.

This week's challenge was an optional one - nothing but next week's immunity on the line. Since the teams are merged now, and anyone could conceivably be gunning for me, that would have been a nice thing to have, but there was no way. I got to actually have an hour to sit down and do this challenge exactly a half an hour before my brother got dropped off to head out, so it just didn't work at all.

The idea behind the challenge was twofold. Spooky put up the famous "Hitler Bunker" video from downfall, and asked us for clever subtitles. Let me note this - I would have LOVED to do this challenge. I had a fantastic idea for "Hitler as Pentecostal Preacher", and I think a lot of the jokes I had in it were very solid. I was very disappointed that I didn't get any time to do it, as it would have been a lot of fun.

What I was able to do was Beau's half - he came up with 20 questions, and he simply chose his favorite answers. Below are his questions, followed by my answers and a brief explanation.

1 Name a new videogame that’s described as “Grand Theft Auto in space.”
Grnad Theft AUto: Venusian Sunrise

Oh yeah, this was half-assed as hell. I literally jotted this one down in three seconds as my brother hovered over my shoulder waiting to leave. I was extremely glad Beau didn't critique each answer given. First off, that would have been a gargantuan task for him, but roughly half of mine would have been withering, because I put absolutely no time into them.

2 If there was a fight to the death between all nine remaining Survivors, who would win and why?
Dan Kautz - I'm pretty sure he carries a shiv on his person at all times.

This was the first one I came up with, I still like it. Beau must have, too, because he picked it as a winner.

3 Add a new rule to a major sport that would make it more appealing to you.
Every third golf ball is a pressure activated bomb.

I came up with this one pretty quickly. I adore golfing, and actually enjoy watching it on TV, but this would make it pretty exciting.

4 What is the sound of one hand clapping?
SHMACK!

Hahaha, yeeeeaaaah

5 You realize you’re in a Scream movie. What’s your survival plan?
Go back in time and become Courtney Cox.

Around this point I realized just how awful most of these were going to be. I haven't even seen a Scream movie since the second one, and that was a long time ago. I know Courtney Cox is still hanging around, so I went with a CC related joke. I discarded my original idea off killing her and wearing her skin as camouflage for reasons I don't really remember.

6 An unexplained phenomenon causes the penises of all Ukrainian men to fall off. What does the media name this phenomenon?
Disaster, it's all penis!

For this, I simply put in the phrase "The disaster where all the penises fell off" into Google translate and put it back and forth between a bunch of languages. The result was funny enough to post, and better than most of what I did have already, so I went with it.

7 Super Mario dies. What’s written on his headstone?
Da doot doot dooo dootdoot doo doo BA-BUMM.

I tried to put the famous "Mario death jingle" into phonetics. I don't think I did a very good job.

8 A former Ultimate Fighter takes a new job as a children’s photographer. What’s the first mistake he makes on the job?
Putting Gwen Stefani in a choke hold

Oh, for dumb.

9 Who cares?
Gavin Rossdale

This one only even remotely works if the first one's not the stupidest thing ever. Unfortunately......

10 What item does the stupid guy bring on the camping trip?
The Large Hadron Collider

You have to admit, this is something a pretty dumb guy could potentially bring on a camping trip. Oh, you silly guy! You need at least 7 electron volts to power a Large Hadron Collider! Besides, the cord is one of those funky European ones, and you don't have an adapter!

11 Pop quiz, hot shot. Spooky has a bomb strapped to himself and he says it will detonate if there are any non-submitters. You have one hour to submit with nothing written and you just
got called into work. What do you do? What do you do?
Write stream of consciousness that may or may not tangentally relate to the challenge for twenty seconds, then google translate it back and forth between a couple languages, hoping for the random translation gods to show you mercy.

This is probably truer than I'd like to admit, considering one of my other answers. I wanted to put something about finding a hostage and shooting it, but that's a little cliche.

12 Four sheep, two in tuxedos and two in evening gowns, walk into a bar. What does the bartender say?
Orange you glad I didn't choose today to quit sniffing glue?

What. The. Fuck.

13 The worst thing to say to your lover’s mother after she walks in on the two of you having sex.
I told you I'd pick you up when I was done. Why can't you ever wait your turn?

This was the second one I thought of, and probably my favorite.

14 Piet Mondrian and I.M. Pei enter a contest. Tell me the contest, who wins, and why.
An art contestt, which I.M. Pei inexplicably wins because his buildings are fucking beautiful,

I don't really have much to say about this one, other than I somehow won with this one.

15 Why didn’t Gummi Worms get their own television show?
Because of the rampant difficulty in getting them to wear pants.

Oh yeah, because that's funny.

16 Give me the subtitles for Star Wars movies seven, eight, and nine.
George Lucas' Gambling Debts
Money 2, the Cashening
Fuck This Movie, Just Buy Our Toys

Money grab jokes! Inspiration wore a tad thin, I think.

17 What was the real reason behind the defenestration in Prague?
Erectile Dysfunction

Facepalm.

18 Stephen King releases a romance novel. What is it called?
Romance in a Creepy New England Town

Oh for the love of... I know that by this point my brother was getting severely impatient, but immunity was on the line. There will be other flights! Oh yeah, this one also sucked. Like... hardcore.

19 What does Kermit the Frog wish for after the genie pops out of the lamp?
Three more wishes

This one is actually the one that best encapsulates my frame of mind at this point. I had nothing, I had no more time, and I needed something to submit, so I submitted literally the most cliche answer I could possibly have done.

20 Write the saddest sentence you can think of in ten words or less.
From now on, you will never be surprised by anything ever again.

Now this one, I'm mad about. The original sentence was "Starting today, you will never be surprised by anything again." That one works. That one is actually pretty good. What I wrote down is not only a worse written sentence, it also contains twelve words, which immediately disqualifies it. It wouldn't have really mattered, since I wasn't even close to winning, but still... it's the principle.

Bah. I wish I would've gotten a chance to actually do these some credit, because I think I could've done really well. I only really put any effort into about 7 of these, and 4 of those were winners. I guess this neatly balances out the times where I was able to come up with something pretty decent in a hurry on submission day, I just hate submitting such obvious rushed hack as about 10 of those answers. Either way, it was nice to have the busiest week I'm going to have for the next few months coincide with an optional week.

Now that the teams are merged, it'll be fun to see what happens next. This next week, I get another crack at "Meeting of the Mimes". I'm looking forward to outdoing last year.

Spookymilk Survivor VIII: You're So Vain

Last week in Spookymilk Survivor, I pulled down my second set of dual fives of the "season". Good times. What happened this week?

The challenge was to take a reasonably well known song and tell the "secret story" about its creation.

I chose "Imagine" by John Lennon.

“You’re not idealistic enough”. That’s all she ever says. Who even says that? That’s like saying “You’re not gullible enough”, or “You’re not annoying enough”. If she would’ve acted like this while we were banging in the back of her pitiful little gallery when I first met her, I would’ve shown her the door.

Whatever, I’ll do it. I’ll write the glurgiest, most saccharine ode to peace ever recorded. It’ll be full of that fake depth she loves so much, only I’ll just be taking the piss out of her the entire time.

Let’s start small. I’m thinking a lone piano should cover it…..oh yeah. They’ll eat that shit up. This is the type of tune that I’ll get interviewed about for years. They’ll tell me “John, you’ve written one of the most lovely and inspirational songs of all time”, and I’ll say “You’re damn right I did! Now open your wallets, bitches!”. Only I won’t say any of that, because that harpy will be sitting over my shoulder, crowing “Oh, yes. My husband just wants the world to be as one. We’ll be donating all of the proceeds to this song to Greenpeace.” Oh, that bitch… she’d actually do that. I’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.

No, all I’ll be able to do is smirk through that fucking beard she made me grow out. I swear to God in heaven that if she doesn’t let me shave that thing I’m going to to kill someone.

Okay, honestly, I think the piano is enough for this song. Now I’ll sing some inane bullshit about no money, no religion, no cheeseburgers and I think that ought to cover it. Oh yeah, this is going to be big.

God, I fucking love getting paid.

And here are the judges' remarks:

K: Making Lennon out to be a materialistic woman-hater could be great fun, but having him write a song to manipulate others rather than a song that has materialistic, misogynistic double meanings doesn’t allow this one to rise above the pack. 1

B: This smells a lot like Tom’s Beatles entry a few weeks back. I have no problem with this particular take on the song; in fact, it’s kind of amusing. “No cheeseburgers” is kind of funny, too. But I think a more subtle, solemn approach would have worked better rather than an angry one. I don’t see an angry John staying with Yoko. 1

Soooooo yeah.

I don't know that this is the worst thing I've written for a survivor entry (I had some cringeworthy ones last year), but I was devoid of mirth as I wrote it. Usually I'll smile at some witty one-liner or chuckle at the way something falls together. This one was simply a “get it done and sent” submission, and it was judged accordingly.

I put off even thinking about this one until about an hour before (yeah, I should probably stop doing that). I should have picked a song I actually enjoy (I’m not a fan of “Imagine”, piano notwithstanding). Regardless, this was an uninspired entry that got rightfully panned. I’ll do better this next week.

DSK lost another member, with Dave sort of falling on his sword, sort of going down swinging (to the point where Spooky couldn’t tell if he was being trolled during the elimination or not). Unfortunate. We’ll get ‘em next time.

Baseball Predicitons 2011 - AL Edition

So, I promised Jester that this post was going to be up a while ago. The slipshod analysis will prove that this post would be better never than late, but whatever. It's always nice to have completely wrong predictions chisled in stone so that everyone can laugh at them later.

I've flip-flopped over whether I want to go division by division, or just give a basic overview with a couple of thoughts. The latter certainly has the benefit of being less work, while also providing me with fewer ways to look dumb. I think we'll go with one comprehensive post, rather than 6 in-depth ones.

Here goes...

AMERICAN LEAGUE

West

Rangers - 90
Angels - 80
A's - 79
Mariners - 5

No, that's not a typo. The Mariners are only going to win five games. Felix Hernandez is going to have a 1.89 ERA, strike out seven hundred guys, and have a 4-27 record. All four wins will be extra inning shutouts. He will win the Cy Young award, prompting Murray Chass to lead the great "Old School Uprising", they will demand the head of Billy Beane on a platter, because they still can't remember who actually wrote "Moneyball".

The Rangers seem to be the only team in this division that's even passable. I don't see any scenario where they don't walk away from this division.

The A's will be about 5 games back at the trade deadline, prompting their management to go into "rebuild" mode for the 50th straight season.

The Angels will lead the league in spending money on outfielders who will not play in the outfield for an impressive 17th year in a row. That's certainly something.


Central

Twins - 88
White Sox - 86
Tigers - 86
Royals - 72
Indians - 70

A lot of people seem to peg the Royals as a 95+ loss team. I don't have any particular reason to feel optimistic about them, I just want to believe.

This division will be a three team dogfight. I think that the return of Morneau (which, as a massive plus means that my wife will be much more interested in watching baseball with me) helps a lot. I think Liriano's stats should look even better this year than they did last year (he had a .335 babip last year, 20 points above his career average, and 35 above the major league average, that's not sustainable). Getting Nathan back doesn't mean as much to the closer position as one might think (the Twins ramshackle mesh of Rausch and Capps converted saves almost as often as Nathan did in years previous), but it does mean that the bullpen gets another good late-inning arm. The White Sox and Tigers look good, the Twins just look a little better.


East

Red Sox - 95
Yankees - 94
Rays - 88
Blue Jays - 75
Orioles - 70

How much does it suck to be the Rays?

Red Sox had seven million injuries last year, with the additions of Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford, they ought to pull out (but only just) a division title against the Yankees. Somehow the Twins will end up playing the Yankees, and will sweep them in the postseason. Pavano will be the MVP of that series.


MVP - Evan Longoria
Cy Young - Francisco Liriano (I know I picked King Felix earlier, but 4-27 might be a tough pill for some to swallow. He finishes second. Bloggers everywhere riot in the streets, only to be struck down within hours by severe sun stroke and exposure.)
Rookie of the Year - Jeremy Hellickson

CD Review: Neon Bible

This post has the potential to be surprising for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, it's been almost a half a year since my last post. I'm sure most of the people who read this blog probably thought I had been kidnapped, and that no one bothered to pay the ransom.

No, the truth is, I just haven't thought of much that would be interesting for others to read. Most of the people I discuss things with are either on my IM, or chilling over at SBG's place. Also, just about any spare creative thought has been going into Spookymilk's Creative Writing Survivor.

The second reason this might be a little surprising is that I'm kicking it off with a review of a CD that's already over three years old. The title isn't a typo, it's time to take a look back at Neon Bible. I loved it back in the day (it was my number one album for 2007), but it's been getting a pretty savage beating by everyone in the wake of the new Arcade Fire album, The Suburbs.

Neon Bible seemed pretty well respected by the populous when it first came out. It got an 87 on Metacritic, which landed it around number seven for the year, and hit a lot of the critics' year end lists (twenty five 'major' top ten lists, by Metacritic's count), and general consensus seemed to be that it was a pretty damn fine package.

This year, though, it seems the only constant thing people have to say about The Suburbs is that it's a 'welcome step back toward the Funeral days'. Many of the places that I've been reading mention how dour Neon Bible was and how the new album thankfully eases up a little bit. So, what happened in the last three years

I think a lot of the dour reputation Neon Bible gets comes from the album opener "Black Mirror". Honestly, I feel it to be the weakest song on the album, and if there's a song that gets skipped, it's generally that one. It sets up the pessimistic attitude, but it almost does it's job a little too well. "Keep the Car Running" just feels like such a perfect album opener, with its soaring hook and driving beat. The light - almost haunting - title track moves perfectly into the massive sounding "Intervention". The songs are all dark and ominous, without much light filtering in, but they're almost all fantastic. In fact, from front to back, I'm not sure I know of another album where I consistently play every song (excluding "Black Mirror").

A couple of listens in, I can tell you that The Suburbs is a great CD, and will be high on my year end list (yes, that means that the lights are coming back on around here - more on that later), but Neon Bible remains one of my favorite albums of all time. I can listen to it today, having heard it countless times already, and still get the same feeling during "Intervention" that I did back in the day. I still whoop and shout to "No Cars Go", and "My Body is a Cage" makes my blood run cold. Detractors should take another listen - in my opinion, Neon Bible is every bit the album Funeral is, maybe even better.

Now. Come to Minnesota, damn it. I missed the last tour because I was busy getting married, and I'd like to check another favorite band off the list.

I Really Need a Day Planner or Something

My weeklong vacation was to have started this next Monday. It's been an exciting thought, since I haven't taken a full week off since my honeymoon.

About a month ago I agreed to go on a site visit to another hospital to take a look at some of the things they're doing in the IT field. This trip would be hugely beneficial, and since I'm the one working on some of the projects that will be highlighted on the visit, I'm the natural choice to go. The extremely unfortunate circumstance behind this visit is that it will need to take place on Monday.

The date is immovable, since there will be several other people going. I have to be the person to go, since there are scheduling conflicts for everyone else.

It's my own fault that I didn't plan this out a little better, but it still kind of sucks.

Snipers on the Auction Seas (A Tragedy in 3 Acts)

Act I (In Which Our Hero Spies the Item of His Desires)

The Protagonist is perusing eBay. He spies a copy of Quarashi's self-titled debut CD.

The Protagonist: I need to buy this!

Chorus: When last you saw this item, it sold for $90. Your coffers are far too bare for such an undertaking.

The Protagonist: Nonsense! I'd never forgive myself if I didn't at least make an attempt.

Chorus: Then make your attempt, though it be in vain.

The Protagonist: Fifty dollars ought to at least give me a chance.

Chorus: Fifty dollars is a foolish number. It is neither so small as to be sensible, nor so large as to assure victory. Your efforts are both wasted and unwise.

The Protagonist: Not at all! See there? The bid is only at thirteen dollars right now.

Chorus: Four days yet remain. Temper your unchecked optimism.

---

Act II (In Which Ominous Signs Gather)

The Protagonist: I suppose I must tell my wife about my impending purchase.

Chrous: This ought to be good.

The Protagonist: I'm buying a CD.

The Wife: Why are you telling me this?

The Protagonist: It's sort of an expensive CD.

The Wife: What do you mean? How expensive?

The Protagonist: My high bid is fifty dollars?

The Wife: ...

The Protagonist: The current bid is only fifty dollars....wait....never mind it's at fifty dollars.

The Wife: ...

The Protagonist: Don't worry, it's a collectors item - any serious Quarashi fan would pay this much and more.

The Chorus: You talk about "serious Quarashi fans" as if they are tangible things that exist in this world.

The Wife: Are you out of your mind?

The Chorus: Our thoughts are akin.

---

Act III (In Which Hope Is Dashed Upon the Rocks)

The Protagonist: With one minute on the clock, I'm still in the lead.

Chorus: Sixty seconds is an eternity in this place.

{Forty Seconds Pass}

Masked eBay Sniper the first: I strike! Sixty dollars!

Masked eBay Sniper the second: HA! I strike! Seventy dollars!

The Protagonist: Wait! NO!

Chorus: Fifty dollars was already a fortune. Seventy would be too foolish even for you. Will you relent?

The Protagonist: Yes.

The Protagonist: This is ridiculous! The eBay system is built along the concept of a maximum bid being the highest you will pay for a given item. What point is there in this pointless sniping? If the user had placed seventy dollars as his maximum bid in the beginning, they still would probably have won the CD, and I wouldn't have had to go through all this nonsense. I'm sure it saved them a dollar or two, but so what? Stupid. I hate snipers.

Chorus: You are merely angry because it's a legitimate strategy and you're neither wealthy nor savvy enough to take advantage of it.

{PAUSE}

Chorus: Well?

The Protagonist: And what if I am?

Our hero resumes his searches, knowing them to be in vain.

Oh, Wow.

[11:05] The Nordqui: How's the pete?
[11:05] Pete: bogged down

That might be the lamest joke in recorded history.

So, This Cell Phone and Pair of Sweat Pants Walk Into a Washing Machine...

Seeing as how I hadn't spent nearly enough fixing my aforementioned vehicle issues (no link... look exactly one post below this one), I decided to wash my cell phone. Once it had gone through the spin cycle, I decided to compound the issue by tossing it into the dryer.

After giving it overnight to dry, it sort of works. I can get decent signal, and can actually hold conversation - as long as it's plugged in and charging. The battery holds no charge now, and there's all manner of condensation in the outer display.

Then again, I did send my cell phone through the washing machine. I guess I'm sort of lucky I still have a cell phone at all.

(not sure there's ever been a more apt use for the 'i suck' tag)

Vehicle Issues

So, my car started making a clicking sound a week or two ago. Eh, whatever... I thought something was a little odd about that, so I got an appointment to have it looked at.

I get a call back yesterday, bearing the fantastic news that my clutch is blown and I'll need a new one.... $800. Fantastic.

I get a call back today, bearing the even better news that my transmission is also dead, and I'll need a new one.... $1600. Even more fantastic.

I think the next couple of months could be a lot of fun.

The Anti-Midas Touch of Conversation

God bless awkward pauses... They seem to be all I'm capable of lately (I think the mornings are getting to me).

Way to make a first impression there, chief.