Spookymilk Survivor rolls on, this time with his world-famous (okay, niche-internet-famous) Twenty Questions. These are always fun, but this year had the added wrinkle where instead of submitting the lists as a team, each player had to submit their own list. More on that decision in a bit… first the questions, my answers, and a short commentary (if mine was picked by the judges, it appears, along with their comments, in italics).
1. What’s the worst way to die?
About to score with the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen, you begin to shit yourself uncontrollably and fall into a coma, where you remain for the next 40 years, forced to unconsciously relive your final moments for all time.
B: “the worst” is quite subjective. Does it mean painful? Sad? Ironic? I don’t know, so I just went with the two that tickled my funny bone the most. Shitting one’s self into a coma is one I’ve never heard of.
Comments: This was the last one I came up with. The idea of dying right on the verge of something great is tragic. The idea of shitting yourself into a coma is comedic. Best of both worlds!
2. The ‘80s hair metal bands are having a fight to the death. Who wins, and why?
Noted apothecary Brett Michaels puts his skills to good use and envenomates the alcohol and drug supply at the reunion tour. Everyone dies, but in a tragic twist, Brett then succumbs to his own plot, as he is unable to turn down alcohol, even if he knows that it is laced with cyanide.
K: Somewhat ordinary, until the awesome twist.
B: When it comes to hair bands, I think over the top descriptions of the actual deaths is the way to go. I almost picked H as well.
Comments: Meanwhile, this is the first one I tackled. “Noted apothecary” is a funny phrase, and the idea of Brett Michaels taking his band’s name that literally was funny. I actually sort of thought the ending might have been a bit obvious.
3. The Wiggles are on tour, and their opening act is 50 Cent. Name the tour.
The “Repent For the End Is Nigh” tour.
Comments: There are some that I really didn’t try on. This is one of them.
4. If you had been the second person to walk on the moon, what would you have said?
So help me, if there are any Transformers sequels up here…
Comments: The new Transformers movie is about as good as one might expect. I didn’t expect to win with this one, and my expectations were on target.
5. You’ve decided to get back to someone who wronged you by putting them in your will. What do you leave them?
“To [name redacted], I return two lengths of rubber tubing, a blindfold, two gallons of gasoline and a shovel. I do not know why you were so insistent on having me store them all these years ago, but you may have them back.”
K: Yes, you sick bastard, that would do it.
B: Most of these were just gross, and I’m not much a fan of gross-out contest. I like both [Nibbish’s] and H because they actually attempt to embarrass someone at the reading of the will, and that’s the best kind of revenge.
Comments: Semi-inspired by an XKCD joke (which I am currently too lazy to look up) about certain items being very suspicious when placed together. I agree with Beau, gross wasn’t the way to go with this one.
6. Convince me in thirty words or fewer that the sky is red.
“I have a knife, I will insert it between your ribs should you not repeat after me… ‘the sky is red’”
Comments: I think there was a much better way to go with this one. My mental wheels just started spinning in their tracks when I went to look for it, though.
7. What is Stonehenge?
The little-known inspiration for the crowning architectural achievement of our time, Nibbhenge.
B: Nibbhenge…tee hee.
Comments: This is Nibbhenge. You’re welcome.
8. “Roses are red, violets are blue;” Finish it.
“I shat on Jenn’s desk and blamed it on you”
Comments: First read, I thought this was funny. Much less so a day or two later, but I didn’t have the motivation to fix it.
9. Intelligent aliens finally arrive and they land in the Yukon. What is the first thing they say?
God, how can you guys stand this kind of heat?
Comments: Get it? Because humans think it’s cold, and the aliens think… never mind. See #3.
10. When the pyramids were being built, what was the big inside joke amongst the workers?
So, I invited Apep over for burritos the other night, and the neighbor’s cat walks into the house. Well, you know how Apep is about cats. Suddenly, he was just totally freaking out, killing everyone. My mom got scared, and said “You’re movin’ with your autie and uncle in Bel-Air”.
Comments: Apep and a relatively well known bait-and-switch meme? GOLD.
11. Biathlon combines shooting and skiing. Describe a new Olympic sport that combines two or more events.
Javgrapple (A combination of the wrestling and javelin events). Both players have javelins, both players must attempt to pin the other, while maintaining a tight grip of their javelin. If the projectile is dropped, forfeiture will ensue. Pinning the opponent is key, as it allows you a two second buffer during which you may break free and throw the javelin. Drawing the blood of your opponent is frowned upon, but there is no formal rule against incidental javelin/genital contact.
Comments: I actually thought this one out, and probably spent more time on it than any other entry. It seemed like a funny concept, but I think my definition was too clinical. Ah well.
12. If yesterday was Thursday, Thursday. And today is Friday, Friday. And tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards, what happens next?
Comments: No attempt was made for this one. Sorry. I agree with Beau’s comment re: “not the worst lyrics in pop music” (Sk8r Boi, anyone??), but it’s hard to come up with a joke for this one that hasn’t already been told, so I put my time into the other ones.
13. Ned from Pushing Daisies brings Marie Curie back from the dead for sixty seconds. What does she say?
[Translated from Polish: My word, I’m alive! Sir, I don’t know who you are, but this is very important, millions of lives can be saved if you take note of my final work, I put my notes in the old... wait... you don't understand Polish? Why are you speaking in English? Hurry, find a translator! This of the utmost urgen...*dies*]
B: The two Polish to English translators I found turned your phrases into gibberish, so if there was something funny in them, I missed it, sorry. Though I think she swears in the first one. I can’t say I’m a huge fan of any of the others, so I’ll just pick two.
Comments: Well, thanks for picking mine, I guess.
14. If you had the job of redesigning humans (but only the parts that other people can see), what would be the first change you’d make?
Adding a helicopter into the top of the skull, Inspector Gadget-style.
Comments: My design for a human would look a lot like Inspector Gadget. Go-go Gadget Copter!
15. Kelly Wells (I) and Kelly Wells (II) are locked in a room for two hours. What happens?
An honest and thoughtful discussion of the direction and cinematography of Blackzilla Is Splittin’ That Shitter 3.
K: Sweet Jesus, that is the perfect title to pay off this joke. Whether player-created or just picked from her list of films, it’s awesome.
Comments: I checked out Ms. Wells’ IMDB (which I’ll not link to), and that is a real movie. Blackzilla is, in fact, splittin’ that shitter – for the third time.
16. Tell me a new flavor of Doritos that actually sounds worth buying.
Tortilla chip flavored doritos! Now with 100% less of that awful orange Doritos dust!
Comments: So, the joke here is that I don’t like Doritos, and… yeah, that’s about it.
I actually liked having to come up with a complete list, even if it was almost certainly a huge pain to judge. My answers generally don’t get picked by the rest of the team when we do these, so I got to have my revenge by getting a full nine of them picked out sixteen. Second best – I’ll take that.
Regrettably, Ugly Juanita got the butts handed to them by Spy Tag*, so we’ve got to vote out a member. I’m immune, and two of our guys were nonsubs, so I guess that makes it pretty easy. I’d really prefer if UJ didn’t end up like NPF/Likes Bacon, but until people start submitting, we’re in trouble.
* On an unrelated note. Spy Tag?? Really?