Spookymilk Survivor X: Seemingly Useless Superpower

So, here we are. It's getting to be crunch time.Will Vogons blaze a glorious path to...erm... glory? Or will they make horrible choices and go down in flames?

This week's challenge was "Seemingly Useless Superpower". In it, a character was to have a superpower that seemed on the outset to be completely useless, only for it to come in very handy. I did pretty well at this one last time.

What about this time? Was I able to top "4 or 5 servings"? Well, that's doubtful, but maybe I did fairly well, anyway. Read on, faithful reader.


The spectral blade sliced effortlessly through the Crimson Crusader, instantly cleaving his boyish, yet devilishly handsome face from his perfectly chiseled torso. With that, Baron Parallax surveyed the scene. The heroes all lay dead – most of them in several pieces. 

“Perfect” he said to Bludgeoner, “just in time for the summoning.”

“Boss, there’s another one here. He’s just hiding behind the table.” replied Bludgeoner.

“Bring him to me.”
Bludgeoner shoved the hero toward the Baron.

“And just who might y…”

“I AM THE INTERJECTION!” cried the now-named hero.

“Why were you cowering behind the table. Why would they even bother bringing you if you w…”

“I MAKE NON-CONTEXTUAL COMMENTS AT INOPPORTUNE TIMES!!!”

“Excellent! A speech-themed super. You’re certain that you don’t turn into a hulking behemoth if expos…”

“I HAVE THE POWER OF MAKING NON-CONTEX…”

“Yes, yes… Now, believe it or not, I’m actually glad you showed up today. Bludgeoner and I are going to need a blood sacrifice to properly awaken the demon lord. Your friends are volunteered, but got a little excited and started things early, and Kil’zumall likes his sacr…”

“SUMMONING THE DEMON LORD KIL’ZUMAL, ARE YOU? I’VE PIECED TOGETHER YOUR NEFARIOUS PLOT!”

“Anyway, the urge to murder you is only going up by the second, but we’ve got to wait for the proper time. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got work…”

“I WILL FOIL YOUR SCHEMES, VILE WARLOCK!”

“That I doubt, but I’m eager to see how you try. Let’s begin.”
Parallax placed the spectral blade on the unholy altar as Bludgeoner tied The Interjection to an obelisk. The Baron sprinkled some red liquid in a circle around himself, then began to chant the dark rituals.

“Aggras… tolifas…. Arvelan…”

“YOUR ANCIENT DARK SPEECH ACCENT IS ALMOST AS ABSURD AS YOUR SINISTER DESIGNS, FIEND!”

“Tos vali Kil’Zumall, arvas belias Kil’Zumall”

“EVIL WILL ALWAYS END IN RUIN, YOU KOOKY CLAIRVOYANT!”

“Arved, scho’il…”

“YOUR CABAL…”

“Arved, scho’il… varmas scho’il… Kil’zumall varithras a… SHUT THE FUCK UP.” Baron Tiberon snapped at The Interjection, “wait… where was I?? Oh…”

Indeed, The Interjection had broken the sorcerer’s concentration just as he was specifying the target for the blood sacrifice. An enormous black cloud began to pour into the room from both doors.

“Bludgeoner, you might want to make your exit…”

The cloud materialized into a massive demon. Kil’zumall picked up the blade from the altar and instantly jumped across the room, killing Bludgeoner instantly. He began to walk toward the now terrified warlock.

“No no no no no no no… come on, the pronunciation wasn’t even all that close. I meant ‘shut the fuck up’, not ‘shada faku’. See? Nothing alike! For fuck’s sake, listen to him… you’d be doing the same thing within…”

“HA, SILLY SORCERER, YOUR MACHINATIONS ARE ALL IN VAIN!”

“Interjection, so help me if one of my followers figured how to resurrect me. I will…”

“I’LL BE WAITING, YOU BATTY OLD WIZARD.”

“…Plankton won’t even be able to find any part of you to…” Baron Parallax’ words were cut off, along with his head, which rolled up to The Interjection’s feet. Kil’Zumall turned and approached The Interjection.

“NOW IT’S JUST THE TWO OF US, DEMON LORD. I WILL DEFEAT YOU.”

The abomination paused a moment, likely considering the fact that if he killed the bizarrely confident motormouth standing before him, that there was a good chance that his soul would be permanently bound to him. Kil’Zumall turned and trudged back up to the altar, before disappearing into a cloud of black smoke once more.

Here's the judges' take.


K: This one peaks early. I thought it was going to be the challenge of the week, but instead, it was 
just pretty good. This is a bit of a cheat, I suppose, since interrupting people is something that anyone can do, but I was amused enough to give it a break. 4

DK: I laughed almost as much as I did at the pronunciation one, but especially at the “pieced together” line. Dude’s not just non-contextual, he’s Captain Obvious. 5

Huh. I was not really expecting scores that high. After writing a few darker ones, I wanted to write something that was just out and out comedic. Of course, what I ended up with still had plenty of darkness (it does open with all of the superheroes, save our annoying protagonist, torn to shreds and dead), but it captured the feel that I was going for (Like Tapioca, The Interjection is weirdly over-confident and impossibly self-unaware). You can't see it here or in the version on Spooky's site, but The Interjection speaks in Comic Sans typeface. I thought that fitting, but I don't know if that helps or hurts it. It's probably just as well it didn't come through - the shouting was enough. I like "batty old wizard".

The ending kind of sucks. I kept thinking up and rejecting different things that could happen in the end. I almost ended it with Kil'Zumall (heh, Kills 'em all) killing The Interjection out of annoyance, only to have their souls bound together for all of eternity, but rejected it when I couldn't get the wording right.

Either way, it didn't matter. One week after voting out Zack, the person we saved in place of him went and nonsubbed. This is obviously horrible news. JG, how could you, man?? Vogons can't vogon if we've got nonsubs...