Seeing as how I hadn't spent nearly enough fixing my aforementioned vehicle issues (no link... look exactly one post below this one), I decided to wash my cell phone. Once it had gone through the spin cycle, I decided to compound the issue by tossing it into the dryer.
After giving it overnight to dry, it sort of works. I can get decent signal, and can actually hold conversation - as long as it's plugged in and charging. The battery holds no charge now, and there's all manner of condensation in the outer display.
Then again, I did send my cell phone through the washing machine. I guess I'm sort of lucky I still have a cell phone at all.
(not sure there's ever been a more apt use for the 'i suck' tag)