Spookymilk Survivor VIII: Twenty Questions

I've had an obscenely busy last week and a half. I was down in the cities rocking out some Cisco phone training, with very limited access to any type of internet access, then I shuttled my brother up home for family Easter, then shuttled him back down to the cities so that Branny Z and I could hit up the Pixies concert last night (which I'll explain in depth in a new post). Either way, last week's result was decent, considering how little time I had to prepare for it, and there's not a lot to say about it.

This week's challenge was an optional one - nothing but next week's immunity on the line. Since the teams are merged now, and anyone could conceivably be gunning for me, that would have been a nice thing to have, but there was no way. I got to actually have an hour to sit down and do this challenge exactly a half an hour before my brother got dropped off to head out, so it just didn't work at all.

The idea behind the challenge was twofold. Spooky put up the famous "Hitler Bunker" video from downfall, and asked us for clever subtitles. Let me note this - I would have LOVED to do this challenge. I had a fantastic idea for "Hitler as Pentecostal Preacher", and I think a lot of the jokes I had in it were very solid. I was very disappointed that I didn't get any time to do it, as it would have been a lot of fun.

What I was able to do was Beau's half - he came up with 20 questions, and he simply chose his favorite answers. Below are his questions, followed by my answers and a brief explanation.

1 Name a new videogame that’s described as “Grand Theft Auto in space.”
Grnad Theft AUto: Venusian Sunrise

Oh yeah, this was half-assed as hell. I literally jotted this one down in three seconds as my brother hovered over my shoulder waiting to leave. I was extremely glad Beau didn't critique each answer given. First off, that would have been a gargantuan task for him, but roughly half of mine would have been withering, because I put absolutely no time into them.

2 If there was a fight to the death between all nine remaining Survivors, who would win and why?
Dan Kautz - I'm pretty sure he carries a shiv on his person at all times.

This was the first one I came up with, I still like it. Beau must have, too, because he picked it as a winner.

3 Add a new rule to a major sport that would make it more appealing to you.
Every third golf ball is a pressure activated bomb.

I came up with this one pretty quickly. I adore golfing, and actually enjoy watching it on TV, but this would make it pretty exciting.

4 What is the sound of one hand clapping?
SHMACK!

Hahaha, yeeeeaaaah

5 You realize you’re in a Scream movie. What’s your survival plan?
Go back in time and become Courtney Cox.

Around this point I realized just how awful most of these were going to be. I haven't even seen a Scream movie since the second one, and that was a long time ago. I know Courtney Cox is still hanging around, so I went with a CC related joke. I discarded my original idea off killing her and wearing her skin as camouflage for reasons I don't really remember.

6 An unexplained phenomenon causes the penises of all Ukrainian men to fall off. What does the media name this phenomenon?
Disaster, it's all penis!

For this, I simply put in the phrase "The disaster where all the penises fell off" into Google translate and put it back and forth between a bunch of languages. The result was funny enough to post, and better than most of what I did have already, so I went with it.

7 Super Mario dies. What’s written on his headstone?
Da doot doot dooo dootdoot doo doo BA-BUMM.

I tried to put the famous "Mario death jingle" into phonetics. I don't think I did a very good job.

8 A former Ultimate Fighter takes a new job as a children’s photographer. What’s the first mistake he makes on the job?
Putting Gwen Stefani in a choke hold

Oh, for dumb.

9 Who cares?
Gavin Rossdale

This one only even remotely works if the first one's not the stupidest thing ever. Unfortunately......

10 What item does the stupid guy bring on the camping trip?
The Large Hadron Collider

You have to admit, this is something a pretty dumb guy could potentially bring on a camping trip. Oh, you silly guy! You need at least 7 electron volts to power a Large Hadron Collider! Besides, the cord is one of those funky European ones, and you don't have an adapter!

11 Pop quiz, hot shot. Spooky has a bomb strapped to himself and he says it will detonate if there are any non-submitters. You have one hour to submit with nothing written and you just
got called into work. What do you do? What do you do?
Write stream of consciousness that may or may not tangentally relate to the challenge for twenty seconds, then google translate it back and forth between a couple languages, hoping for the random translation gods to show you mercy.

This is probably truer than I'd like to admit, considering one of my other answers. I wanted to put something about finding a hostage and shooting it, but that's a little cliche.

12 Four sheep, two in tuxedos and two in evening gowns, walk into a bar. What does the bartender say?
Orange you glad I didn't choose today to quit sniffing glue?

What. The. Fuck.

13 The worst thing to say to your lover’s mother after she walks in on the two of you having sex.
I told you I'd pick you up when I was done. Why can't you ever wait your turn?

This was the second one I thought of, and probably my favorite.

14 Piet Mondrian and I.M. Pei enter a contest. Tell me the contest, who wins, and why.
An art contestt, which I.M. Pei inexplicably wins because his buildings are fucking beautiful,

I don't really have much to say about this one, other than I somehow won with this one.

15 Why didn’t Gummi Worms get their own television show?
Because of the rampant difficulty in getting them to wear pants.

Oh yeah, because that's funny.

16 Give me the subtitles for Star Wars movies seven, eight, and nine.
George Lucas' Gambling Debts
Money 2, the Cashening
Fuck This Movie, Just Buy Our Toys

Money grab jokes! Inspiration wore a tad thin, I think.

17 What was the real reason behind the defenestration in Prague?
Erectile Dysfunction

Facepalm.

18 Stephen King releases a romance novel. What is it called?
Romance in a Creepy New England Town

Oh for the love of... I know that by this point my brother was getting severely impatient, but immunity was on the line. There will be other flights! Oh yeah, this one also sucked. Like... hardcore.

19 What does Kermit the Frog wish for after the genie pops out of the lamp?
Three more wishes

This one is actually the one that best encapsulates my frame of mind at this point. I had nothing, I had no more time, and I needed something to submit, so I submitted literally the most cliche answer I could possibly have done.

20 Write the saddest sentence you can think of in ten words or less.
From now on, you will never be surprised by anything ever again.

Now this one, I'm mad about. The original sentence was "Starting today, you will never be surprised by anything again." That one works. That one is actually pretty good. What I wrote down is not only a worse written sentence, it also contains twelve words, which immediately disqualifies it. It wouldn't have really mattered, since I wasn't even close to winning, but still... it's the principle.

Bah. I wish I would've gotten a chance to actually do these some credit, because I think I could've done really well. I only really put any effort into about 7 of these, and 4 of those were winners. I guess this neatly balances out the times where I was able to come up with something pretty decent in a hurry on submission day, I just hate submitting such obvious rushed hack as about 10 of those answers. Either way, it was nice to have the busiest week I'm going to have for the next few months coincide with an optional week.

Now that the teams are merged, it'll be fun to see what happens next. This next week, I get another crack at "Meeting of the Mimes". I'm looking forward to outdoing last year.

Spookymilk Survivor VIII: Fortunately, Unfortunately

Last week, I rushed and submitted a crappy bit that ended up getting panned. I was worried for a bit that I might be eliminated, but then shenanigans ensued, and Dave asked to be voted out.

Good times.

This week, we had one of my favorites from last year: Fortunately, Unfortunately. The challenge is essentially that the writer is given two “start phrases”. From each start phrase, they are to build a short story (8-10 lines) with each line alternating between starting with the words “Fortunately” and the “Unfortunately”. That’s two short stories in all, with each judge grading stories written using their start phrase.

Here’s my entries.

Spooky’s Phrase

I have one class left before I finish my major.
Unfortunately, it’s Advanced Physics, a course I know absolutely nothing about.
Fortunately, the teacher has a very lenient “extra credit” policy.
Unfortunately, that teacher is an 85 year old obese transvestite named “Sweet Lou”.
Fortunately, with the right combination of Xanax and everclear, I think I can get through this.
Unfortunately, it’s an even more horrifying experience than advertised.
Fortunately, that’s over with.
Unfortunately, I just checked my class schedule, and the class I need is actually “Advanced PSYCHICS”.
Fortunately, I’m getting pretty good at this whole “extra credit” thing.

Spooky’s Critique

K: Oh, here we go. The first half could seem obvious, but the wordplay keeps it from feeling tedious and the combination of Xanax and Everclear was a nice touch. Then, it keeps going after the point where I figured the payoff would be, and the real gag about taking the wrong class was genius. 5

Beau’s Phrase

I tried out for the team so I could meet chicks.
Unfortunately, their interest seems contingent on me MAKING the team.
Fortunately, the backup kicker seems to have slipped on a bar of soap and broken his leg.
Unfortunately, I’m not a very good kicker.
Fortunately, the school board found ecstasy in the 3rd string linebacker’s locker.
Unfortunately, I’m about as good at tackling as I am at kicking.
Fortunately, the star quarterback fell down a flight of stairs and was run into by a golf cart in rapid succession.
Unfortunately, there is no position I’m less qualified for than quarterback.
Fortunately, I’m good at covering up accidents.
Unfortunately, I didn’t make the team.
Fortunately, basketball tryouts start next week, and I hear the players are VERY clumsy.

Beau’s Critique

Yes! This is the perfect level of absurdity that works for this challenge. I laughed out loud when I knew where it was going and I didn’t stop until the end. Perfect. 6

Unlike last week, I felt pretty good about both of these. Spooky’s came together first. The Physics/Psychics play on words was the first thing I thought of when I read the phrase. Beau’s needed a little reworking. I tried coming at it from the “Sports don’t help, girls still think I’m dumb” angle, but it was monotonous and vaguely depressing sounding. Then I came upon the idea of the loser who injures players to improve his chances of making the team, only to have it backfire on him when he’s not good enough to take advantage of it. I fiddled with the wording on both a little bit and then sent it out – a night early.

DSK finally pulled out of our mini-tailspin. Hopefully that’s a sign of things to come.

Spookymilk Survivor VIII: You're So Vain

Last week in Spookymilk Survivor, I pulled down my second set of dual fives of the "season". Good times. What happened this week?

The challenge was to take a reasonably well known song and tell the "secret story" about its creation.

I chose "Imagine" by John Lennon.

“You’re not idealistic enough”. That’s all she ever says. Who even says that? That’s like saying “You’re not gullible enough”, or “You’re not annoying enough”. If she would’ve acted like this while we were banging in the back of her pitiful little gallery when I first met her, I would’ve shown her the door.

Whatever, I’ll do it. I’ll write the glurgiest, most saccharine ode to peace ever recorded. It’ll be full of that fake depth she loves so much, only I’ll just be taking the piss out of her the entire time.

Let’s start small. I’m thinking a lone piano should cover it…..oh yeah. They’ll eat that shit up. This is the type of tune that I’ll get interviewed about for years. They’ll tell me “John, you’ve written one of the most lovely and inspirational songs of all time”, and I’ll say “You’re damn right I did! Now open your wallets, bitches!”. Only I won’t say any of that, because that harpy will be sitting over my shoulder, crowing “Oh, yes. My husband just wants the world to be as one. We’ll be donating all of the proceeds to this song to Greenpeace.” Oh, that bitch… she’d actually do that. I’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.

No, all I’ll be able to do is smirk through that fucking beard she made me grow out. I swear to God in heaven that if she doesn’t let me shave that thing I’m going to to kill someone.

Okay, honestly, I think the piano is enough for this song. Now I’ll sing some inane bullshit about no money, no religion, no cheeseburgers and I think that ought to cover it. Oh yeah, this is going to be big.

God, I fucking love getting paid.

And here are the judges' remarks:

K: Making Lennon out to be a materialistic woman-hater could be great fun, but having him write a song to manipulate others rather than a song that has materialistic, misogynistic double meanings doesn’t allow this one to rise above the pack. 1

B: This smells a lot like Tom’s Beatles entry a few weeks back. I have no problem with this particular take on the song; in fact, it’s kind of amusing. “No cheeseburgers” is kind of funny, too. But I think a more subtle, solemn approach would have worked better rather than an angry one. I don’t see an angry John staying with Yoko. 1

Soooooo yeah.

I don't know that this is the worst thing I've written for a survivor entry (I had some cringeworthy ones last year), but I was devoid of mirth as I wrote it. Usually I'll smile at some witty one-liner or chuckle at the way something falls together. This one was simply a “get it done and sent” submission, and it was judged accordingly.

I put off even thinking about this one until about an hour before (yeah, I should probably stop doing that). I should have picked a song I actually enjoy (I’m not a fan of “Imagine”, piano notwithstanding). Regardless, this was an uninspired entry that got rightfully panned. I’ll do better this next week.

DSK lost another member, with Dave sort of falling on his sword, sort of going down swinging (to the point where Spooky couldn’t tell if he was being trolled during the elimination or not). Unfortunate. We’ll get ‘em next time.

Spookymilk Survivor VIII:

I don't really have any preface this week. We lost a team member last week, and another nonsub bit the dust.

The challenge this week was to write a short story about a person in a comic book universe who has a truly useless superpower. The person could use that superpower to their advantage, or be messily destroyed when the superpower proves just as useless as it seems.

Here's what I came up with:

…Meanwhile, on the other side of town….

With Ironfist and The Human Torpedo chasing wild geese in the warehouse district, their arch-nemesis Riboflavin has broken into the vault of the Central Trust. Having incapacitated the guards and deactivated the security system, it seems nothing can stop the madman. The villain’s victory assured, he doesn’t even notice the man in tan spandex approaching the vault.

“Halt!”

“Ah! Holy cow, you scared me. What are you doing here? And what on earth are you wearing?”

“I’m here to stop you, evildoer, and the particulars of my super suit are none of your business!”

“Charming. Before I brutally murder you, what’s your name?”

“I am Tapioca!”

“Come again?”

“I am…”

“I heard you the first time. What would motivate you to come down here and get slaughtered? Do you even have a super power?”

“I can conjure pudding from thin air!”

…

“Did you hear what I said?”

“How much pudding?”

“About 4 or 5 servings”

“That’s all?”

“That’s all I’ll need”

“Enough of this, I’ve got to get moving so….glurk…gak”

“I didn’t say where I’d be conjuring the pudding, did I?”

Riboflavin’s response is drowned out as his lungs begin to fill with precisely 5 servings of chocolate pudding. His horrified expression is etched permanently onto his face, with a small brown river dribbling out of his nose. The grateful (if slightly disturbed) security guards ask Tapioca how they will contact him if they need him in the future.

“Wherever there is crime that can be stopped with 4 or 5 servings of pudding, that’s where I’ll be.”

K: This had me at “Riboflavin” and I giggled throughout. Another useless superpower comes through (sure, it was more of a “kryptonite” thing than a clever use of something stupid, but it’s all good). Just about every line of spoken dialogue was chuckle-worthy, but I have to single out the specificity of “4 or 5 servings” as my favorite. This gets four or five points. You know what? 5.

B: Is it supposed to be “man in tan spandex?” Either way, this made me laugh out loud. This entry is made by “4 or 5 servings.” If it’s just “4 servings” this is half as funny. 5

 

I really liked the idea of this challenge, but it stumped me like none other (except for maybe the Battle of the Mimes last year). I came up with dozens of awful ideas, one semi-great idea (that I came up with while slightly drunk that I couldn't remember the particulars of the next morning), and absolutely nothing that stuck. With one hour left til deadline, I had written absolutely nothing. At that point, I did the sensible thing. I panicked.

One constant I'd had all week (other than an idea of the "British League of IndePendent Supers" which I thankfully discarded) was the idea that the less than useful ability was going to be making some seemingly benign substance appear out of thin air. It was all I had to go on, and I was eating a pudding cup at the time, so I went with it. The dialog came pretty naturally, though I was worried that basing the entire gag around the dialog might be a little risky (an unfounded fear, apparently). The much heralded "4 or 5 servings" line just seemed to flow with the rest of the dialog and seemed funny, so in it went.

The hardest part was naming everyone. I liked Riboflavin as a villain name (what kind of power, if any, does that guy have? It certainly isn't the ability to breathe pudding.) The A-list heroes were the hardest to name, as most of the good, or even cliché ones are already taken in some form or other. By the time I got to naming the hero, I only had about 30 minutes left, and I hadn't even proofread anything yet - hence the unimaginative, but oddly fitting "Tapioca". In all, from concept to finished product, it came off in about 30 minutes. After a quick proofread to make sure I hadn't made any glaring grammar errors, I sent it off. Sometimes I'll agonize over certain sections and re-think things for way too long; I didn't have that luxury here, and I think that actually worked for the best in this case.

Again, a nonsub on our team means we'll be sending someone careening out of the game, but after that, it looks like we might actually have ourselves a game. The game really starts on Tuesday.

Spookymilk Survivor VIII: Letter of Resignation

In each of the first eight weeks of Spookymilk Survivor Eight (the ocho) there have been two constants: non-submitters and the removal from the game of someone who did not fly under the DARK STOMRY KNIGHTS flag*. This week, one of those safe comfortable certainties was put asunder. Which one? Read on.

*it might just be me, but I think the DSK flag would probably just be this picture that I just now found randomly on Google images.

Over the top and brilliant – JUST LIKE DSK

This week, the challenge was to take a public figure, either real or fictional (no politics, and I can’t put into words how grateful I was that this clause was added), and write a resignation letter for that person. A straight to-the-point example might be Derek Jeter retiring from the Yankees to go play rugby with his college friends. A less to-the-point example might be Beethoven’s eardrums retiring from their duties as purveyors of sound. Either would work, both have potential in the constraints of the challenge.

Here’s what I came up with:

My Esteemed Colleauges,

I regret to inform you that at the conclusion of the “Blood, Death, Mayhem, and Blood” tour, I will be terminating my duties as the rhythm guitarist of the band Bludgeoned By Lobsters. I feel that starting with our last album, “Fecal Death Squirrel”, our music has become too pandering and watered down, and I wish to take my talents in a new artistic direction. I will always treasure the time I shared with Bludgeoned By Lobsters, and hope that no hard feelings arise from this decision.

With all regards,

Ronald Floyd Jenkins IV

You may notice something pretty early (something other than the fact that I misspelled “colleagues”, which I somehow missed upon proofread – embarrassing). We’ll get to that shortly. Here’s the judges’ critiques:

K: Did this exist before, or is this fictional on the part of our contestant? That wasn’t the intention, and I therefore never even considered the possibility. That one makes this stand out, but so do the solid gags. I love the name of the tour and the idea that this is “pandering.” 4

B: This is great. Using “blood” twice in the title of the tour is perfect. Also, I love that “Fecal Death Squirrel” is their watered down album. 4

Ah, there we have it. I kind of cheated. There were a couple reasons for that, but primary among them was the fact that the first words I had in my head when I read this challenge (which I sucked at last year… I mean, GAWD) were “Blugeoned By Lobsters”. After I laughed to myself for five minutes, I decided that BBL was an idea that I was simply not going to give up on.

The problematic thing about “Bludgeoned By Lobsters” is that there are limited ways in which such a phrase can be used. I decided that BBL was a Grindcore band (because really, how could they not be?) and that they were “selling out” by toning it back. Fecal Death Squirrel is the start of their watering down, and from the only thing left to do was name the tour (the second “Blood” was a last-second addition that I added before sending). I was worried that the entry was a little out of bounds (sad as it makes me, there is no band called Bludgeoned By Lobsters), and I wasn’t sure if the judges would have been okay with that. It looks like they were. I suppose I could have written a short story about BBL and uploaded it to a random fanfic site, at which point the band would have gone from being fictional to being… well… still fictional. Luckily, that turned out to be unnecessary.

Sadly, there were still nonsubs. Even more sadly, both nonsubs came from DSK, so we have to evict one. Assuming my team doesn’t come after me for unforeseeable reasons, I’m excited to see next week’s challenge.