Monday, April 25, 2011

Spookymilk Survivor VIII: Twenty Questions

I've had an obscenely busy last week and a half. I was down in the cities rocking out some Cisco phone training, with very limited access to any type of internet access, then I shuttled my brother up home for family Easter, then shuttled him back down to the cities so that Branny Z and I could hit up the Pixies concert last night (which I'll explain in depth in a new post). Either way, last week's result was decent, considering how little time I had to prepare for it, and there's not a lot to say about it.

This week's challenge was an optional one - nothing but next week's immunity on the line. Since the teams are merged now, and anyone could conceivably be gunning for me, that would have been a nice thing to have, but there was no way. I got to actually have an hour to sit down and do this challenge exactly a half an hour before my brother got dropped off to head out, so it just didn't work at all.

The idea behind the challenge was twofold. Spooky put up the famous "Hitler Bunker" video from downfall, and asked us for clever subtitles. Let me note this - I would have LOVED to do this challenge. I had a fantastic idea for "Hitler as Pentecostal Preacher", and I think a lot of the jokes I had in it were very solid. I was very disappointed that I didn't get any time to do it, as it would have been a lot of fun.

What I was able to do was Beau's half - he came up with 20 questions, and he simply chose his favorite answers. Below are his questions, followed by my answers and a brief explanation.

1 Name a new videogame that’s described as “Grand Theft Auto in space.”
Grnad Theft AUto: Venusian Sunrise

Oh yeah, this was half-assed as hell. I literally jotted this one down in three seconds as my brother hovered over my shoulder waiting to leave. I was extremely glad Beau didn't critique each answer given. First off, that would have been a gargantuan task for him, but roughly half of mine would have been withering, because I put absolutely no time into them.

2 If there was a fight to the death between all nine remaining Survivors, who would win and why?
Dan Kautz - I'm pretty sure he carries a shiv on his person at all times.

This was the first one I came up with, I still like it. Beau must have, too, because he picked it as a winner.

3 Add a new rule to a major sport that would make it more appealing to you.
Every third golf ball is a pressure activated bomb.

I came up with this one pretty quickly. I adore golfing, and actually enjoy watching it on TV, but this would make it pretty exciting.

4 What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Hahaha, yeeeeaaaah

5 You realize you’re in a Scream movie. What’s your survival plan?
Go back in time and become Courtney Cox.

Around this point I realized just how awful most of these were going to be. I haven't even seen a Scream movie since the second one, and that was a long time ago. I know Courtney Cox is still hanging around, so I went with a CC related joke. I discarded my original idea off killing her and wearing her skin as camouflage for reasons I don't really remember.

6 An unexplained phenomenon causes the penises of all Ukrainian men to fall off. What does the media name this phenomenon?
Disaster, it's all penis!

For this, I simply put in the phrase "The disaster where all the penises fell off" into Google translate and put it back and forth between a bunch of languages. The result was funny enough to post, and better than most of what I did have already, so I went with it.

7 Super Mario dies. What’s written on his headstone?
Da doot doot dooo dootdoot doo doo BA-BUMM.

I tried to put the famous "Mario death jingle" into phonetics. I don't think I did a very good job.

8 A former Ultimate Fighter takes a new job as a children’s photographer. What’s the first mistake he makes on the job?
Putting Gwen Stefani in a choke hold

Oh, for dumb.

9 Who cares?
Gavin Rossdale

This one only even remotely works if the first one's not the stupidest thing ever. Unfortunately......

10 What item does the stupid guy bring on the camping trip?
The Large Hadron Collider

You have to admit, this is something a pretty dumb guy could potentially bring on a camping trip. Oh, you silly guy! You need at least 7 electron volts to power a Large Hadron Collider! Besides, the cord is one of those funky European ones, and you don't have an adapter!

11 Pop quiz, hot shot. Spooky has a bomb strapped to himself and he says it will detonate if there are any non-submitters. You have one hour to submit with nothing written and you just
got called into work. What do you do? What do you do?
Write stream of consciousness that may or may not tangentally relate to the challenge for twenty seconds, then google translate it back and forth between a couple languages, hoping for the random translation gods to show you mercy.

This is probably truer than I'd like to admit, considering one of my other answers. I wanted to put something about finding a hostage and shooting it, but that's a little cliche.

12 Four sheep, two in tuxedos and two in evening gowns, walk into a bar. What does the bartender say?
Orange you glad I didn't choose today to quit sniffing glue?

What. The. Fuck.

13 The worst thing to say to your lover’s mother after she walks in on the two of you having sex.
I told you I'd pick you up when I was done. Why can't you ever wait your turn?

This was the second one I thought of, and probably my favorite.

14 Piet Mondrian and I.M. Pei enter a contest. Tell me the contest, who wins, and why.
An art contestt, which I.M. Pei inexplicably wins because his buildings are fucking beautiful,

I don't really have much to say about this one, other than I somehow won with this one.

15 Why didn’t Gummi Worms get their own television show?
Because of the rampant difficulty in getting them to wear pants.

Oh yeah, because that's funny.

16 Give me the subtitles for Star Wars movies seven, eight, and nine.
George Lucas' Gambling Debts
Money 2, the Cashening
Fuck This Movie, Just Buy Our Toys

Money grab jokes! Inspiration wore a tad thin, I think.

17 What was the real reason behind the defenestration in Prague?
Erectile Dysfunction


18 Stephen King releases a romance novel. What is it called?
Romance in a Creepy New England Town

Oh for the love of... I know that by this point my brother was getting severely impatient, but immunity was on the line. There will be other flights! Oh yeah, this one also sucked. Like... hardcore.

19 What does Kermit the Frog wish for after the genie pops out of the lamp?
Three more wishes

This one is actually the one that best encapsulates my frame of mind at this point. I had nothing, I had no more time, and I needed something to submit, so I submitted literally the most cliche answer I could possibly have done.

20 Write the saddest sentence you can think of in ten words or less.
From now on, you will never be surprised by anything ever again.

Now this one, I'm mad about. The original sentence was "Starting today, you will never be surprised by anything again." That one works. That one is actually pretty good. What I wrote down is not only a worse written sentence, it also contains twelve words, which immediately disqualifies it. It wouldn't have really mattered, since I wasn't even close to winning, but still... it's the principle.

Bah. I wish I would've gotten a chance to actually do these some credit, because I think I could've done really well. I only really put any effort into about 7 of these, and 4 of those were winners. I guess this neatly balances out the times where I was able to come up with something pretty decent in a hurry on submission day, I just hate submitting such obvious rushed hack as about 10 of those answers. Either way, it was nice to have the busiest week I'm going to have for the next few months coincide with an optional week.

Now that the teams are merged, it'll be fun to see what happens next. This next week, I get another crack at "Meeting of the Mimes". I'm looking forward to outdoing last year.


  1. I actually wrote about half or more of the questions, as we realized, at posting time, that Beau was at work and we didn't have a list ready. Oops.

    I was pretty psyched about maybe a third of my answers. I'd post about it in my blog, except...yeah.

    I'm pretty sure I'm going to play the game for the first time next time. I find myself incredibly excited and nervous.

  2. How is that going to work? Beau as a judge? All the power would go to his head.

    I mean, he's cruel enough as is!

  3. Actually, he's easily the least cruel of the three co-judges I've used!

    I have a couple of, Beau and either DK or Brooks (both have mentioned the possibility of wanting to judge sometime) are the judges or two, a four-team format where Beau and I would actually both play and judge, with two eliminations per week and the judges always being judged by the other judge. Can I explain that any uglier for you?

    I'll admit the idea of not judging for a single week in this game is...weird to me, since I've never not been a part of it.

  4. I am, of course, kidding when I refer to any cruelty that Beau might be capable of (please don't hurt me).

    Either way, your scenarios sound interesting.

  5. It's nice to know you hate your bad answers even more than I did :)

    Your Piet, Pei answer isn't that fantastic, but I hate the idea of Mondrian's "art" so much that...well, fuck yeah Pei would beat him in an art contest.

  6. I think one Mondrian-style painting would have been really amazing. Turning his career over to them was just weird.