Spookymilk Survivor VIII: You're So Vain

Last week in Spookymilk Survivor, I pulled down my second set of dual fives of the "season". Good times. What happened this week?

The challenge was to take a reasonably well known song and tell the "secret story" about its creation.

I chose "Imagine" by John Lennon.

“You’re not idealistic enough”. That’s all she ever says. Who even says that? That’s like saying “You’re not gullible enough”, or “You’re not annoying enough”. If she would’ve acted like this while we were banging in the back of her pitiful little gallery when I first met her, I would’ve shown her the door.

Whatever, I’ll do it. I’ll write the glurgiest, most saccharine ode to peace ever recorded. It’ll be full of that fake depth she loves so much, only I’ll just be taking the piss out of her the entire time.

Let’s start small. I’m thinking a lone piano should cover it…..oh yeah. They’ll eat that shit up. This is the type of tune that I’ll get interviewed about for years. They’ll tell me “John, you’ve written one of the most lovely and inspirational songs of all time”, and I’ll say “You’re damn right I did! Now open your wallets, bitches!”. Only I won’t say any of that, because that harpy will be sitting over my shoulder, crowing “Oh, yes. My husband just wants the world to be as one. We’ll be donating all of the proceeds to this song to Greenpeace.” Oh, that bitch… she’d actually do that. I’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.

No, all I’ll be able to do is smirk through that fucking beard she made me grow out. I swear to God in heaven that if she doesn’t let me shave that thing I’m going to to kill someone.

Okay, honestly, I think the piano is enough for this song. Now I’ll sing some inane bullshit about no money, no religion, no cheeseburgers and I think that ought to cover it. Oh yeah, this is going to be big.

God, I fucking love getting paid.

And here are the judges' remarks:

K: Making Lennon out to be a materialistic woman-hater could be great fun, but having him write a song to manipulate others rather than a song that has materialistic, misogynistic double meanings doesn’t allow this one to rise above the pack. 1

B: This smells a lot like Tom’s Beatles entry a few weeks back. I have no problem with this particular take on the song; in fact, it’s kind of amusing. “No cheeseburgers” is kind of funny, too. But I think a more subtle, solemn approach would have worked better rather than an angry one. I don’t see an angry John staying with Yoko. 1

Soooooo yeah.

I don't know that this is the worst thing I've written for a survivor entry (I had some cringeworthy ones last year), but I was devoid of mirth as I wrote it. Usually I'll smile at some witty one-liner or chuckle at the way something falls together. This one was simply a “get it done and sent” submission, and it was judged accordingly.

I put off even thinking about this one until about an hour before (yeah, I should probably stop doing that). I should have picked a song I actually enjoy (I’m not a fan of “Imagine”, piano notwithstanding). Regardless, this was an uninspired entry that got rightfully panned. I’ll do better this next week.

DSK lost another member, with Dave sort of falling on his sword, sort of going down swinging (to the point where Spooky couldn’t tell if he was being trolled during the elimination or not). Unfortunate. We’ll get ‘em next time.