Friday, December 11, 2009

Five.... Five Dollar.... Five Dollar **SHUT UP**

A fairly long time ago (blogger code for "there's no way in hell I'm looking up exact time measurements), Subway debuted the now-famous 'Five Dollar Footlong' song. If you've forgotten how the original sounds, here's your chance to catch up.

This commercial obviously had several things going for it.

1. It was hypnotic.
2. It was catchy.
3. It sort of reminded me of Viva Voce (never a bad thing).
4. It had cute Asian chicks and Godzilla in it (they must have gotten in trouble over that, because later versions of the commercial had Godzilla removed, but cute Asian chick remains. I guess if you have to remove one.....)

It ranked right up there with 'Gimme Back That Fillet-o-Fish' as one of the better jingles to come out in the past few years.

Fast forward a few months, and Subway has turned a simple jingle into a huge advertising campaign. Needless to say whatever qualities the original may have had have.... faded.

The newest commercial features Michael Strahan, Justin Tuck, and Jared Fogle fake singing the song in bizzare baritone voices. So, how far has it fallen?

1. It is in no way hypnotic. In fact, the only positive application the commercial could possibly be used for would be to snap people in comas back to waking life.

2. It is not catchy. It is the anti-thesis of catchy. It's as catchy in the same way Kidz Bop rendition of Mastodon would be - as in, not catchy.

3. It does not remind me of Viva Voce in any way.

4. It features a grand total of zero cute Asian chicks. It also features a conspicuous lack of Godzilla monsters.

Subway, you have destroyed what should have been a simple "one and done" jingle. Stop. For the love of all that is good in life, just stop.

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