I've already got this figured out. In ten years, when I'm 35, I will grow a killer mustache/goatee combo. People will, of course, attribute this to a mid-life crisis and a vain attempt to recapture the vitality of youth.
What they won't realize is that I just wasn't awesome enough to properly rock the kickass mustache/goatee combo until this point. It's not a mid-life crisis - it's a mid-life awesome.
While I think I'll be able to grow a sufficiently bushy scrub, it will take a long time, and it will look truly hideous in the meantime. Because of this, if you hear that I've disappeared for about 3 months around the time I turn 35, this will be why.