Spookymilk Survivor VIII: You're So Vain

Last week in Spookymilk Survivor, I pulled down my second set of dual fives of the "season". Good times. What happened this week?

The challenge was to take a reasonably well known song and tell the "secret story" about its creation.

I chose "Imagine" by John Lennon.

“You’re not idealistic enough”. That’s all she ever says. Who even says that? That’s like saying “You’re not gullible enough”, or “You’re not annoying enough”. If she would’ve acted like this while we were banging in the back of her pitiful little gallery when I first met her, I would’ve shown her the door.

Whatever, I’ll do it. I’ll write the glurgiest, most saccharine ode to peace ever recorded. It’ll be full of that fake depth she loves so much, only I’ll just be taking the piss out of her the entire time.

Let’s start small. I’m thinking a lone piano should cover it…..oh yeah. They’ll eat that shit up. This is the type of tune that I’ll get interviewed about for years. They’ll tell me “John, you’ve written one of the most lovely and inspirational songs of all time”, and I’ll say “You’re damn right I did! Now open your wallets, bitches!”. Only I won’t say any of that, because that harpy will be sitting over my shoulder, crowing “Oh, yes. My husband just wants the world to be as one. We’ll be donating all of the proceeds to this song to Greenpeace.” Oh, that bitch… she’d actually do that. I’ll have to talk to my lawyer about that.

No, all I’ll be able to do is smirk through that fucking beard she made me grow out. I swear to God in heaven that if she doesn’t let me shave that thing I’m going to to kill someone.

Okay, honestly, I think the piano is enough for this song. Now I’ll sing some inane bullshit about no money, no religion, no cheeseburgers and I think that ought to cover it. Oh yeah, this is going to be big.

God, I fucking love getting paid.

And here are the judges' remarks:

K: Making Lennon out to be a materialistic woman-hater could be great fun, but having him write a song to manipulate others rather than a song that has materialistic, misogynistic double meanings doesn’t allow this one to rise above the pack. 1

B: This smells a lot like Tom’s Beatles entry a few weeks back. I have no problem with this particular take on the song; in fact, it’s kind of amusing. “No cheeseburgers” is kind of funny, too. But I think a more subtle, solemn approach would have worked better rather than an angry one. I don’t see an angry John staying with Yoko. 1

Soooooo yeah.

I don't know that this is the worst thing I've written for a survivor entry (I had some cringeworthy ones last year), but I was devoid of mirth as I wrote it. Usually I'll smile at some witty one-liner or chuckle at the way something falls together. This one was simply a “get it done and sent” submission, and it was judged accordingly.

I put off even thinking about this one until about an hour before (yeah, I should probably stop doing that). I should have picked a song I actually enjoy (I’m not a fan of “Imagine”, piano notwithstanding). Regardless, this was an uninspired entry that got rightfully panned. I’ll do better this next week.

DSK lost another member, with Dave sort of falling on his sword, sort of going down swinging (to the point where Spooky couldn’t tell if he was being trolled during the elimination or not). Unfortunate. We’ll get ‘em next time.

Spookymilk Survivor VIII:

I don't really have any preface this week. We lost a team member last week, and another nonsub bit the dust.

The challenge this week was to write a short story about a person in a comic book universe who has a truly useless superpower. The person could use that superpower to their advantage, or be messily destroyed when the superpower proves just as useless as it seems.

Here's what I came up with:

…Meanwhile, on the other side of town….

With Ironfist and The Human Torpedo chasing wild geese in the warehouse district, their arch-nemesis Riboflavin has broken into the vault of the Central Trust. Having incapacitated the guards and deactivated the security system, it seems nothing can stop the madman. The villain’s victory assured, he doesn’t even notice the man in tan spandex approaching the vault.

“Halt!”

“Ah! Holy cow, you scared me. What are you doing here? And what on earth are you wearing?”

“I’m here to stop you, evildoer, and the particulars of my super suit are none of your business!”

“Charming. Before I brutally murder you, what’s your name?”

“I am Tapioca!”

“Come again?”

“I am…”

“I heard you the first time. What would motivate you to come down here and get slaughtered? Do you even have a super power?”

“I can conjure pudding from thin air!”

…

“Did you hear what I said?”

“How much pudding?”

“About 4 or 5 servings”

“That’s all?”

“That’s all I’ll need”

“Enough of this, I’ve got to get moving so….glurk…gak”

“I didn’t say where I’d be conjuring the pudding, did I?”

Riboflavin’s response is drowned out as his lungs begin to fill with precisely 5 servings of chocolate pudding. His horrified expression is etched permanently onto his face, with a small brown river dribbling out of his nose. The grateful (if slightly disturbed) security guards ask Tapioca how they will contact him if they need him in the future.

“Wherever there is crime that can be stopped with 4 or 5 servings of pudding, that’s where I’ll be.”

K: This had me at “Riboflavin” and I giggled throughout. Another useless superpower comes through (sure, it was more of a “kryptonite” thing than a clever use of something stupid, but it’s all good). Just about every line of spoken dialogue was chuckle-worthy, but I have to single out the specificity of “4 or 5 servings” as my favorite. This gets four or five points. You know what? 5.

B: Is it supposed to be “man in tan spandex?” Either way, this made me laugh out loud. This entry is made by “4 or 5 servings.” If it’s just “4 servings” this is half as funny. 5

 

I really liked the idea of this challenge, but it stumped me like none other (except for maybe the Battle of the Mimes last year). I came up with dozens of awful ideas, one semi-great idea (that I came up with while slightly drunk that I couldn't remember the particulars of the next morning), and absolutely nothing that stuck. With one hour left til deadline, I had written absolutely nothing. At that point, I did the sensible thing. I panicked.

One constant I'd had all week (other than an idea of the "British League of IndePendent Supers" which I thankfully discarded) was the idea that the less than useful ability was going to be making some seemingly benign substance appear out of thin air. It was all I had to go on, and I was eating a pudding cup at the time, so I went with it. The dialog came pretty naturally, though I was worried that basing the entire gag around the dialog might be a little risky (an unfounded fear, apparently). The much heralded "4 or 5 servings" line just seemed to flow with the rest of the dialog and seemed funny, so in it went.

The hardest part was naming everyone. I liked Riboflavin as a villain name (what kind of power, if any, does that guy have? It certainly isn't the ability to breathe pudding.) The A-list heroes were the hardest to name, as most of the good, or even cliché ones are already taken in some form or other. By the time I got to naming the hero, I only had about 30 minutes left, and I hadn't even proofread anything yet - hence the unimaginative, but oddly fitting "Tapioca". In all, from concept to finished product, it came off in about 30 minutes. After a quick proofread to make sure I hadn't made any glaring grammar errors, I sent it off. Sometimes I'll agonize over certain sections and re-think things for way too long; I didn't have that luxury here, and I think that actually worked for the best in this case.

Again, a nonsub on our team means we'll be sending someone careening out of the game, but after that, it looks like we might actually have ourselves a game. The game really starts on Tuesday.

Spookymilk Survivor VIII: Letter of Resignation

In each of the first eight weeks of Spookymilk Survivor Eight (the ocho) there have been two constants: non-submitters and the removal from the game of someone who did not fly under the DARK STOMRY KNIGHTS flag*. This week, one of those safe comfortable certainties was put asunder. Which one? Read on.

*it might just be me, but I think the DSK flag would probably just be this picture that I just now found randomly on Google images.

Over the top and brilliant – JUST LIKE DSK

This week, the challenge was to take a public figure, either real or fictional (no politics, and I can’t put into words how grateful I was that this clause was added), and write a resignation letter for that person. A straight to-the-point example might be Derek Jeter retiring from the Yankees to go play rugby with his college friends. A less to-the-point example might be Beethoven’s eardrums retiring from their duties as purveyors of sound. Either would work, both have potential in the constraints of the challenge.

Here’s what I came up with:

My Esteemed Colleauges,

I regret to inform you that at the conclusion of the “Blood, Death, Mayhem, and Blood” tour, I will be terminating my duties as the rhythm guitarist of the band Bludgeoned By Lobsters. I feel that starting with our last album, “Fecal Death Squirrel”, our music has become too pandering and watered down, and I wish to take my talents in a new artistic direction. I will always treasure the time I shared with Bludgeoned By Lobsters, and hope that no hard feelings arise from this decision.

With all regards,

Ronald Floyd Jenkins IV

You may notice something pretty early (something other than the fact that I misspelled “colleagues”, which I somehow missed upon proofread – embarrassing). We’ll get to that shortly. Here’s the judges’ critiques:

K: Did this exist before, or is this fictional on the part of our contestant? That wasn’t the intention, and I therefore never even considered the possibility. That one makes this stand out, but so do the solid gags. I love the name of the tour and the idea that this is “pandering.” 4

B: This is great. Using “blood” twice in the title of the tour is perfect. Also, I love that “Fecal Death Squirrel” is their watered down album. 4

Ah, there we have it. I kind of cheated. There were a couple reasons for that, but primary among them was the fact that the first words I had in my head when I read this challenge (which I sucked at last year… I mean, GAWD) were “Blugeoned By Lobsters”. After I laughed to myself for five minutes, I decided that BBL was an idea that I was simply not going to give up on.

The problematic thing about “Bludgeoned By Lobsters” is that there are limited ways in which such a phrase can be used. I decided that BBL was a Grindcore band (because really, how could they not be?) and that they were “selling out” by toning it back. Fecal Death Squirrel is the start of their watering down, and from the only thing left to do was name the tour (the second “Blood” was a last-second addition that I added before sending). I was worried that the entry was a little out of bounds (sad as it makes me, there is no band called Bludgeoned By Lobsters), and I wasn’t sure if the judges would have been okay with that. It looks like they were. I suppose I could have written a short story about BBL and uploaded it to a random fanfic site, at which point the band would have gone from being fictional to being… well… still fictional. Luckily, that turned out to be unnecessary.

Sadly, there were still nonsubs. Even more sadly, both nonsubs came from DSK, so we have to evict one. Assuming my team doesn’t come after me for unforeseeable reasons, I’m excited to see next week’s challenge.

Farewell, Neshek

Yesterday, the the Twins announced that Pat Neshek had been claimed off waivers by the San Diego Padres. I was sort of shocked by the news, but I guess it shouldn’t be so surprising.

After coming back from Tommy John surgery last year his fastball was barely touching 85, and he was giving up home runs this year at a pace that would make Jose Lima cringe.

I prefer to remember mid-2006, when he first debuted in the big leagues. My dad, brother, and I went to a game in July (I’m all but certain it was this one). The Elmer’s glue and Scotch tape holding Brad Radke’s arm together must have been a little loose, because he was about as hitable as he could have been. We thought about leaving midway through the fourth, but then the Twins got a couple in the bottom of that inning. In the top of the 7th, Neshek came out. I knew what to expect from the couple of times I’d seen him (I believe the game in question was his 7th major league game), but it was all-new territory for my brother and dad. We marveled at the motion, how the ball seemed like it was coming from no place in particular. Pretty soon, we were marveling at how lethal he was – he struck out three in just under two innings, with none of those three batters looking like they had the slightest clue what they were up against. I had a new favorite Twin.

I soon found his blog, and have been a loyal follower in the years that followed. I’ve been out of the baseball card scene for a little over 15 years now (I never really came back to it after the strike), but the one card from the last decade that I do own is one of Neshek’s minor league cards (autographed, of course) that I just had to have off eBay. It’ll probably be the last one I’ll ever need.

This move makes me a little sad. I’d really hoped Neshek could come back to his former glory. He still could – fingers crossed. Here’s hoping Petco does him right.

In honor of one of the more unique pitching motions in recent memory (and one of my favorite Twins ever), here’s some bullpen footage some random dude took three years ago.

 

Baseball Predicitons 2011 - AL Edition

So, I promised Jester that this post was going to be up a while ago. The slipshod analysis will prove that this post would be better never than late, but whatever. It's always nice to have completely wrong predictions chisled in stone so that everyone can laugh at them later.

I've flip-flopped over whether I want to go division by division, or just give a basic overview with a couple of thoughts. The latter certainly has the benefit of being less work, while also providing me with fewer ways to look dumb. I think we'll go with one comprehensive post, rather than 6 in-depth ones.

Here goes...

AMERICAN LEAGUE

West

Rangers - 90
Angels - 80
A's - 79
Mariners - 5

No, that's not a typo. The Mariners are only going to win five games. Felix Hernandez is going to have a 1.89 ERA, strike out seven hundred guys, and have a 4-27 record. All four wins will be extra inning shutouts. He will win the Cy Young award, prompting Murray Chass to lead the great "Old School Uprising", they will demand the head of Billy Beane on a platter, because they still can't remember who actually wrote "Moneyball".

The Rangers seem to be the only team in this division that's even passable. I don't see any scenario where they don't walk away from this division.

The A's will be about 5 games back at the trade deadline, prompting their management to go into "rebuild" mode for the 50th straight season.

The Angels will lead the league in spending money on outfielders who will not play in the outfield for an impressive 17th year in a row. That's certainly something.


Central

Twins - 88
White Sox - 86
Tigers - 86
Royals - 72
Indians - 70

A lot of people seem to peg the Royals as a 95+ loss team. I don't have any particular reason to feel optimistic about them, I just want to believe.

This division will be a three team dogfight. I think that the return of Morneau (which, as a massive plus means that my wife will be much more interested in watching baseball with me) helps a lot. I think Liriano's stats should look even better this year than they did last year (he had a .335 babip last year, 20 points above his career average, and 35 above the major league average, that's not sustainable). Getting Nathan back doesn't mean as much to the closer position as one might think (the Twins ramshackle mesh of Rausch and Capps converted saves almost as often as Nathan did in years previous), but it does mean that the bullpen gets another good late-inning arm. The White Sox and Tigers look good, the Twins just look a little better.


East

Red Sox - 95
Yankees - 94
Rays - 88
Blue Jays - 75
Orioles - 70

How much does it suck to be the Rays?

Red Sox had seven million injuries last year, with the additions of Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford, they ought to pull out (but only just) a division title against the Yankees. Somehow the Twins will end up playing the Yankees, and will sweep them in the postseason. Pavano will be the MVP of that series.


MVP - Evan Longoria
Cy Young - Francisco Liriano (I know I picked King Felix earlier, but 4-27 might be a tough pill for some to swallow. He finishes second. Bloggers everywhere riot in the streets, only to be struck down within hours by severe sun stroke and exposure.)
Rookie of the Year - Jeremy Hellickson